Will the Real You Please Stand Up?

Anybody else remember Kitty Carlisle?

Back in the days of black-and-white TV, back when I was just a kid, there was a game show called To Tell the Truth.  The premise of the show was simple; three contestants would appear, each claiming to be the same person, someone with some minor claim to fame.  The game started with the three walking on, and being asked the question,  "Contestant number 1 (or 2 or 3), what is your name, please?"  Each contestant would give the same name, and the celebrity panelists would ask them questions to try and determine exactly who of the was the real Barnabas Blatherskite, inventor of the underwater can-opener, or whoever they were all claiming to be.  After all the questions were asked and answered, the celebrities would vote, and the announcer would dramatically say "Will the real [person's name] please stand up?"  The real one would stand, the impostors would be exposed, and the panelists who happened to vote correctly would glory in their astuteness and powers of deduction.

I was reminded of To Tell the Truth because I have noticed that people act in different ways in different situations.  A great example of this was Chip, a guy I used to work with.  In person, Chip was kind of dour, sort of all-business, and seemed to have no sense of humor at all.  However, in the course of our work, we exchanged lots of e-mails, in which Chip would reveal another side of himself that no one would ever suspect.  He was witty, clever, and had a keen sense of humor.  Try as I might, though, I could never induce the e-mail version of Chip to reveal himself in person. It was almost as if he were two different people.

More recently, I have noticed a similar situation with Marsha, a woman I currently work with.  In person, she is nice enough, but rather withdrawn, and exhibits little or no sense of humor.  On the phone, however, she is a riot, expressing the same kind of cynical, Dilbert-is-my-life sense of humor that I have.   Often, I laugh out loud when I am speaking with her on the phone, and wonder who she really is once the conversation is over.  Will the real Marsha please stand up?

And you may have noticed a difference in some of your real-life friends when they interact with others on Facebook, where many people feel free to be someone really different from whom they appear to be outside of Cyberspace.   Brad Paisley explored this phenomenon in his song  "Online," about a geek who is "so much cooler online."

So, what's the deal?  Why don't people behave the same way in every situation?   Are they trying to fool those around them by pretending to be what they are not?  If they seem one way in person and another way in e-mail, on the phone, or on social media, which one of them is the real one?  Who are they, anyway?

In college I minored in psychology, and observing people and the things they do has always been fascinating to me.  We often have discussions at our house about personality tests, and the various results that they show.  There are many of the these tests, and you might be a Lion or an Otter on one test, Sanguine or Melancholic on another, or an INFP on another.    These tests and the results are interesting to think about, and to talk about, but I think they can make it easy to lock people into categories into which they don't completely fit, or at least don't fit all the time.

An example of this is the "I" on the Briggs-Myers personality test.  It stands for "introvert," as opposed to extrovert, which is the other possibility under this model.  A simple definition for these terms is that an introvert is energized by spending time alone, while an extrovert is energized by spending time with other people.  I have often observed that, while my brother Scott and I are alike in many ways, he is an extrovert and I am an introvert.  However, when I made this observation recently to some family members, some of them said they thought that Scott is also an introvert .  And when I described myself as an introvert to a lady I have worked with for more than 30 years, she was astonished, and said that she would have sworn that I am an extrovert.

Have you ever noticed that there are some people with whom you are more relaxed, with whom you feel accepted, with whom you can make jokes, while there are other people with whom you feel inhibited or intimidated?  Are there some situations in which you act one way, and other situations you act another way?  If so, which one of these behaviors represents the real you?   Which one makes you an impostor?  If you're an introvert, for example, aren't you supposed to be one all the time?

I think we do people a disservice when we try to define or judge them too much by the ways they sometimes act.  I have noticed this happens often in religious institutions when someone's weakness is revealed, when they fail to live up to their own standards, and the standards of the institution.   While I agree that it is shocking and disappointing to learn that a televangelist visits prostitutes, for example, does that fact discount every good thing he may have done in his life?  Does it mean that he doesn't love God, that he has no heart for people, that everything he ever did before he erred was just an act, that he was never anything more than a hypocrite?  I don't think so.

For me, it is useful to realize that people are many things, and some of them are not always evident to us.  When someone surprises you with a behavior you haven't observed in them before, they probably aren't faking like the geek in Brad Paisley's song, or being impostors like the contestants on To Tell the Truth, although people sometimes do seek to deceive us. But mostly, I think people are gloriously complicated, like Chip or Marsha, possessing personality characteristics that reveal themselves in surprising ways.  It is tempting for us to want to put everyone into a box, or to define them as types or by labels, or to expect them to always be the same.  People, who they really are, change with each moment and each experience.  Being in flux is part of being alive.

Copyright © 2013 by Steven W. Fouse

Going With the Flow

This morning I woke up early, around 4:30, which seems to be the time my internal clock has recently decided should be the hour when I spring from bed, eagerly anticipating the wonders of a new day.   Or something like that.  I had decided last night that since I had been to the gym the past three mornings, I should take a break this morning and sleep in a little, say until about 6:00.  Since that plan didn't work out, I decided that I would just go to work a bit early instead, and get in a little extra time.  That way, I would be able to take a little comp time on Friday, when I plan to get a head start on my Christmas vacation.

So, I got myself ready and went to work.  I got there at 6:52, which is 38 minutes earlier than my normal start time.  My plan was to add those 38 minutes to the extra time I had already worked this pay period and use it all on Friday.   (The point to this fascinating narrative is coming soon, I promise.) 

Usually, I eat a breakfast sandwich at my desk after I get to work, thus maximizing my productivity by not wasting a lot of time on trivial things like eating.   I also normally transport some of my morning medications in a little pill holder and take them with my breakfast, as directed by my physician and pharmacist.  ("Take this medication with food.")  Well, today when I looked in my briefcase for my pill holder, it wasn't there.  This could mean only one thing:  I had forgotten to take any of my morning medications!  

I should probably mention at this point that one of the things that I pride myself in is being organized.  I do not forget to do the things I am supposed to do.  I make a plan and I execute it in the most efficient way possible.  If there are errands to be run, I decide on the most direct route to take to avoid things like doubling back and wasting time and gas.  Once I have formulated my plan, I am more than a little reluctant to deviate from it.  In fact, if a need arises to stray from the path I have set before myself for the day, it often causes me extreme stress, and leads to my berating myself for screwing up.  If I were being completely honest, I would have to say that I am slightly OCD, and that I am too uptight about things that don't go the way I plan them. 

 So, anyway, I had a choice to make.  I could forget about the medications, or I could go back home (what?) and take them.  Now if you are blessed enough to be unaware that one of the joys of being middle-aged is the need to take a bunch of medications to, you know, avoid an untimely death,  you might think that not taking those pills wouldn't be such a big deal. And I have actually missed taking my morning meds a few times and did not realize it until I got home in the evening, so I probably wouldn't have died today without them. Probably. 

To tell the truth, until recently, I would almost certainly have risked death today rather than change what I had planned to do.  Go back home?  Drive 20 minutes both ways after having already driven it once today?  Waste all that gas and time?  No way.  Not in the plan.  Not gonna happen.  Or, if I had decided that I probably ought to try to make sure to live at least until Friday, when the world is scheduled to end,  deciding to change my plans, to screw up my whole day, and to do all that redundant driving, that decision would have brought me huge amounts of stress, including a headache, a stiff neck, a distressed stomach, and general misery. 

However, I recently found an article on line called "Tips on How to Become a Calmer Person."  I found this article because I Googled, "how to become a calmer person," having realized that some of the my personal traits, which are strengths in the area of accomplishing goals, do not always allow me to, shall we say, be kind to myself.  In fact, I tend to drive myself crazy stressing over things that I can't control.  That article is worth your time, but if you don't want to bother, I will share some of the points that most got my attention:

1.  It is important to accept that things will not always go as we planned in life.   (Shocking, I know, but true.)
2.  There is no point worrying over something that you cannot control.  My amplification of that idea is that you aren't being irresponsible if you don't worry.
3. Most of the things we worry about or get stressed out about turn out to be not as bad as we expected.
4. If you think of yourself as a calm person, you are more likely to be one.
5. A calm mind can resolve almost any situation, whereas a stressed mind only makes things worse.

So this morning when the Horror of the Forgotten Meds occurred,  I decided to put some of these principals into action.  I realized that of course I should go home and take my meds,  that it was only a big deal if I thought it was, and I could change my plans for the day without completely unraveling.  I calmly left my office, headed home, and did what I had to do.  Going both ways, I concentrated on not freaking out.  I heard some great songs on the radio, and on the way back to the office, when I was heading east, I saw a beautiful Oklahoma sky, streaked with red and pink and blue and purple as the sun came up.  If I hadn't altered my plan for the day, I would have missed those songs and that spectacular sky.
That sky seems an apt metaphor about some other things I have been thinking about lately, things that are more important than my plans for a given day.  One of the things I have noticed about getting older, about being closer to geezerhood than I care to admit, is that my reactions to the world recently have not exactly been positive.   It is easy for older people to view the world with disdain, with disapproval, and disappointment that things haven't turned the way they had planned, the way they expected.   Recently, I have been disturbed by conditions and events that may disturb you as well.  I am extremely concerned about our dysfunctional Federal government, about the divisions in our country, about the fact that our society and our culture seem to be disintegrating, about the prevalence of violence, and a million other things that tell me the world is not what I thought it would be, not what I wanted it to be in my later years.

When I was a teenager learning to drive, my mother told me that it often best to go with the flow of traffic.  As an example, if you can get where you are going by making a right turn with the flow of traffic rather than trying to turn left against the flow of the traffic nearest you, going with the flow is easier and generally safer.   I have come to realize, that while I believe my concerns about the world today are legitimate, it is important to remember rule number 1 above, that things don't always go as we had planned.   Hating what the world has become does not change it.

For me, going with the flow does not mean passively accepting the world and my life as it is.  I still have the responsibility to try to improve things in whatever ways possible, such as by voting for candidates I believe will improve things, by supporting causes important to me, and by trying to bridge divisions between people when I can.  However, I don't have to let the fact that the world disappoints me rob me of my peace of mind.  What if I'm wrong?  What if the world only seems so bad to me because of when I was born, and the attitudes I developed back in the Last Millennium?  And even if the world is truly as bad as it seems to me, what good does it do to be consumed by that?  If I relax and take things as they come, if I go with the flow as much as I can, will I see a beautiful sky I hadn't expected?  Maybe.

The End of the World

There is a lot of talk lately about the End of the World.  This, of course, is because the Mayan calendar runs out on December 21, 2012.   The Mayans were evidently world-class calender keepers, so some people are a little worried that the Mayans might be right, and the end is near.  This is kind of silly, it seems to me, because I don't remember ever before hearing about anything the Mayans said or believed.   So, why should anyone believe their supposed prediction about the End of the World?  Besides, they didn't specifically predict the End;  their calendar just stops later this month.

I think part of the reason that many are interested in the end of the Mayan calendar is that people are fascinated about possibility of an Apocalypse.  In recent years we've heard a lot about Near Earth Objects, which are things flying around in the cosmos close enough to the Earth that there is a possibility that they could slam into our little blue sphere,  thereby ruining our plans to experience the Fleetwood Mac  reunion tour, or go to visit Breckenridge next summer, or whatever.  Oh, and it would kill us all, or at least most of us.

There is much in popular movies, books, and TV shows that explores what the world would be like after some catastrophe, or plague, or hordes of  Zombies had killed most of the Earth's population.  This stuff sells because people are interested considering possible futures, however unlikely they may be.  We all wonder about what may lay ahead, both for each of us individually  and the world as a whole.  What's going to happen in 2013?  How old will I be when I die?  What kinds of lives will my grandkids live?   And the biggest question of all:  What happens after I die?  Whatever you believe about life after death, no one really knows what's on the other side.  Shakespeare's Hamlet called the afterlife "the undiscovered country...from which no traveler returns...." He was right, of course; tickets for trips to the Other Side are usually one way.

So, we don't know what the future holds, and for that reason it is fascinating to consider ideas about the future, even horrifying ones.  I have always tended to ponder the future, especially this time of year, when another Christmas is at hand, a new year is upon us, and I'll celebrate another birthday next month. (Where do the years go?)  The recent past has provided plenty of reasons to be concerned (worried?) about the coming days.  While we may not face the End of the World soon, some kind of lower-case "end of the world" seems at least possible.  People on both sides of the political aisle were certain that if their guy didn't win the 2012 Presidential election, we were all doomed. Whatever your political bent, it is clear that our government is pathetically broken, and now we face the Fiscal Cliff, which, while not the Killer Flu of Doom, certainly wouldn't be a good thing.   Lots of people are wondering if next year will include their continued employment.

A couple of months back, the fact of the unpredictability of the future was brought home forcefully to  my wife Dana and me, and to lots of people we know.  A horrific automobile accident occurred at the busy intersection outside the surgery center where Dana works.  As it happens, Dana was in the parking lot helping a patient into his car, when she noticed a cement mixer making a right turn from the east, to go north past the west side of the parking lot she was in.  As she turned away to tend to the patient, she heard a horrific sound, which she described a huge crunch.  When she turned back to see what had happened, she saw the source of the crunch: The cement mixer had somehow tipped over as it was making the turn, and it was resting on its driver's side, on top of a small passenger car.  The driver's side of the car was flattened.  She shouted for another nurse, and they ran down to see if they could help anyone.  It was immediately clear that there was nothing they, or anyone, could do for the lady in the car.  She had been killed instantly.

Within a matter of minutes, word about the wreck was all over town, although the details were sketchy.  The local TV web site showed a shocking picture of the wreck and reported that one woman had been killed.  Dana called me to tell me about it and to let me know that she had witnessed the wreck, but was not the victim, which I appreciated, since she works at that location.  A few minutes after that, a friend at work came to my cubicle and asked me if I had seen the picture on the internet.   I told her I had and that Dana had been a witness.  My friend then told me that the victim was someone we both knew.  She had worked at the same place we do, and so do her husband and her mother.

As this fact became generally known,  the almost universal reaction among the people I work with was disbelieving shock.  How could this happen?  We saw this lady everyday.  We knew her family members.  She was in her forties, and had found happiness in a new marriage.  How could she be dead?  She was just driving around town, doing the things on her schedule for that day, and now she was dead, killed in unimaginably horrible way. The resulting conclusion for us who worked with her, and for Dana, and for many people in town who watched the news and saw the pictures of the accident site, was inescapable.  If this could happen to the her, it could happen to anyone.  It could happen to someone I love. It could happen to me.

Of course, this fact was not and is not news to anyone.  We all know that the days of our lives are finite, that we will all die.  We all know know that, whatever we have planned for tomorrow, or next week, or next summer, we have no real idea what is going to befall us.  This is not news, but so often we react in shock and horror when these facts are forced upon us by some event like this accident. Perhaps it is necessary for people to put aside that knowledge to a degree to avoid being overwhelmed by it.

Recently I have been reading Bill O'Reilly's book Killing Lincoln.  In it, O'Reilly reveals that Lincoln had dreams and premonitions that his death was near.   In fact, he was certain that he would not live long past the end of the Civil War.  He was right.  However, he refused to be mastered by that knowledge.  O'Reilly writes that Lincoln said, "If I am killed I can die but once, but to live in constant dread is to die over and over again."

I consider that great advice from a great man about how to face whatever lies ahead.

Copyright © 2013 by Steven W. Fouse

Food, Glorious Food

If you are old enough to remember the 1970s sit-com "Mork and Mindy,"  you may recall that in the course of the series, the character of Mork evolved into someone who was more or less like us humans.  He and Mindy even got married in one of the later season.  But in the first season, Mork was even more bizarre and alien than Robin Williams is in real life.  One of the things that made him strange is that he had no concept of food or eating.  In fact, he referred to eating as "consuming matter."  While eating is technically exactly that, all real humans know that eating is much more than just ingesting solid substances.  Food and all it means to us is important to us in countless ways.

For instance, I realized again this morning that one of the many things I appreciate about my wife Dana is that she can fry an egg exactly like I like them, over-medium.  Over-medium means that the white is done and the yolk is runny.   I have always regarded this as "the right way" to fry an egg, and not just any cook can do it the right way.  In fact, I am usually hesitant to order them this way in a restaurant, because the results are so often disappointing.  Either the yolk is too done, or the white is under done.  Unacceptable.  So, I usually just order them scrambled, which I like fine, but not as much as eggs done "the right way."

The reason I like my eggs this way is simple.  My mother cooked them that way for me when I was very young child.   She did this,  I believe, in an attempt to get my sister and me to eat eggs, because we pretty much refused to eat them cooked any other way.   I remember my mother spending a lot of time worrying about our nutrition back then.  I guess we were kind of picky.  Anyway, I developed a taste for over-medium eggs, and so now they are the standard to which I hold all fried eggs.


Food is intertwined with so many of our memories our lives. When I eat eggs fried  "the right way," when I eat German Chocolate cake, I think of my Mom and the great meals she cooked for us. When I eat pancakes, I think of my Dad, who made us awesome pancakes, which he called "hotcakes," almost every weekend of our childhood.  When I eat pizza, especially the Chef Boyardee kind from a box that we ate most often back then, I think of my sister Robin. Whenever we had pizza at home, Robin and I would race through eating it, each afraid that the other one would get a bigger share.  Whenever I have chocolate pie, I think of my Grandma Fouse, whose recipe produced a wonderfully delicious dessert.  Lasagna, which is another of Dana's specialties, always reminds me of the first meal she ever cooked for me, back when we were dating.



Food is always a part of happy times, of celebrations and holidays.  We have birthday cakes,  Thanksgiving turkeys, and Christmas dinners, to name a few.   There are cakes at baby showers and snacks and drinks galore at wedding receptions.  Few celebrations occur without something to eat being involved.

Food can also make ordinary days seem special, too.  I have noticed that in Cubicle City, where I work, the fastest way to get a conversation going is to bring up food.  "Have you eaten at that new restaurant?  They have the most awesome dessert!"  "Did you see that dish Becky brought for the potluck today?  I'll be chowing down on that!"  And speaking of potlucks,  have you ever noticed how much more relaxed and sociable people become when they are sharing food with other folks?  It's true.

Dana and I make fairly frequent trips to Oklahoma City to shop and visit.  We seldom go without incorporating a visit to one of our favorite restaurants into the plans for the day.  In fact, sometimes the real reason for the trip is go eat, although we don't usually admit that out loud.   There are good places to eat closer to home, too, but there is something really special about a trip to great place that requires extra effort to get to.  Anyway, we have had lots of special days hanging out, enjoying being together, and enjoying food in Oklahoma City.  I often joke that when we head up I-44 to OKC, I am always drooling by the time we get to the second toll booth.  

The glory of food also has it down-side also, as all of us who fight in the Battle of the Bulge can readily attest.  There are some foods that reduce my will power to zero.  Examples include chocolate cake, brownies, home-made chocolate-chip cookies, and apple pie.  When those are around, more often than not, I become a guy who just cain't say no, and I indulge to excess.  Usually, I do best by avoiding those treats completely.  However, sometimes there is nothing better than losing the fight with my sweet tooth.

We have a saying in the Fouse family: Food is love. It's true. I love you, so I feed you. Sharing food with others strengthens the bonds between us and builds new memories for the future. Food nourishes not only our bodies; it nourishes our souls. 

  

It's a Shame

Something I have noticed about most people is that on some level they are at least a little disappointed with themselves, a little ashamed of who they are. By this, I mean that they carry around an exaggerated, unwarranted belief that who they are is not quite acceptable, not quite up to par. When people allow me to peek behind their defenses, behind the walls most of us protect ourselves with, it is not unusual to get a glimpse of their belittling self-assessments. I wrote a blog about this once before, about the need to accept ourselves as "OK," and I have been thinking about it again lately. Is it inevitable that people should grapple with feelings of unworthiness?

Ted Bundy 

I am not talking about a person being ashamed for something they have actually done. If a person is a serial killer, or molests children, or tortures kittens, shame for those acts is a good thing. However, people who do those things are often incapable of shame or guilt, ironically, and so the people with the most to be ashamed about sometimes aren't.

Recently,  I have noticed how often people blame themselves, or some imagined or real shortcoming of theirs, for events over which they have little or no control.  If a person faces difficult circumstances of any kind, very often they react out the belief that some failing in them lead to their difficulty. For example, someone with a potentially fatal disease may wonder what they did to cause God to punish them in that way. What could they have done differently, or how could they have been different, that would have caused God to treat them more kindly? Such a reaction says, "This is happening to me because I'm not worthy."

I also firmly believe that living life listening to an internal monologue that emphasizes a person's shortcomings can lead to behaviors that only add to a person's negative self-image. People who feel unworthy often try to comfort themselves through addictive behaviors, such as compulsive eating or substance abuse. Addictive behaviors lead to more shame, which leads to a resolution to do better in the future, which often leads to failure, which leads to more shame, and more reason to believe the little voice inside that says, "You suck."

In that previous blog I linked to above, I explored the possible reasons people are so often unkind to themselves and so often hold themselves in low esteem.  I guess there are as many answers to that question as there are people.  It is a pervasive problem that affects most people to one degree or another.

Because it often difficult to see that we are doing this to ourselves, it also often hard to help ourselves out of negative self-talk and the feelings of unworthiness that go with it.  So, from the Free Advice Department, I offer the following:

• You don't need to be ashamed of the essence of who you are.  You are only one of you that God made. You have reason to be proud of you.
• Everyone has made mistakes, and everyone has areas in which they fall short.   Improve in areas where you can, and make reparations when it's possible.  Try to let the rest go.
• Allow yourself to forgive yourself for your failures.  Trust yourself to learn from them and to use them to do better in the future.  
• If something bad happens in your life, it is not because God is angry with you.  I promise, He loves you.  He does not want to torture you.
• Sometimes bad things just happen.  They do not happen to you because you deserve them.  

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."  -Lucille Ball

Feeling Strongly Both Ways

If you know me from Facebook, you know that I like to collect quotations.  I also like to share them on Facebook as status updates.  Often, they evoke interesting responses with folks who are also interested in them. 

Recently, I posted this one from Thomas Bailey Aldrich: "To keep the heart unwrinkled, to be hopeful, kindly, cheerful, reverent - that is to triumph over old age."   

My friend Kathy responded to that post with this comment:  "So many people I encounter become cynical and just downright mean and stubborn as they age, not being able to keep up with life moving forward.  I hope to keep a positive, healthy, encouraging outlook as I age."  I commented back that that is a worthy goal, and that I hope to do the same.  

But Kathy's comment reminded of another status I posted recently, one that is original with me, and is based on my own experience:  "By the time you reach middle-age, if you are not at least a little cynical, then you just haven't been paying attention."

So, then I was experiencing a little cognitive dissonance, because, while I really do believe the sentiment expressed in the Alrich quote, I also believe what I said about being cynical once you reach middle- age.  Based on my experience, I don't see how a person my age could avoid being "at least a litttle cynical."  Holding both of these seemingly oppossing opinions reminds me of something my uncle Doug Fouse said one time when he was asked him opinion about whatever topic was being argued a the time:  "I feel strongly both ways."

I'm pretty sure that Uncle Doug was being facetious, and was just opting out of the discussion.   In my case, though, Kathy's comment on the Aldrich quote I posted made me realize that, while I have been striving to maintain a positive outlook as  I age, it is also true that I am much more cynical than I was in the my younger days.  I just think I don't let that cynicism overrun my life. 

If you're like me, you know some aging people who become like the ones Kathy referred to in her comment:  "downright mean and stubborn."   To me, those people have gone beyond the trait of being "a little cynical" that I recognize in myself, to having lost the battle "to triumph over old age." Or maybe they never even tried to fight that battle.   

To me, when someone loses that battle, anyone who has been paying attention could probably understand at least some of the reasons for that.   My dad used to say that getting old is the worst sin you can commit.   By this he meant that getting older is hard work.  There are so many results of growing older (results we never expect when we are younger) that are just plain hard to accept.  Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey said it this way:  "Time is a cruel thief to rob us of our former selves. We lose as much to life as we do to death. "

So, as the years go by, what do we lose to life? We may face health issues as we get older. Usually we have less energy than we were young. Many of us aren't as incredibly handsome as we were in our younger days. Sometimes we lose people dear to us, either through death or estrangement. Sometimes life doesn't turn out the way we planned or expected, causing us to lose hope or enthusiasm for living. And, if we aren't careful, we may loose the ability to look at life in positive and hopeful ways. We may fail "to keep the heart unwrinkled" and become less than we once were, not just physically, but spiritually as well. 

 

On the other hand, the events of our lives teach us things, and sometimes what we learn is not very positive or encouraging. This is what I mean when I say that someone my age is bound to be at least a little cynical. An example for me include the fact that I have encountered some people in my life who seemed to be friends, but actually were not. They proved that they were not really friends by their actions. I am not bitter about those experiences, but I would be foolish to ignore the lessons they taught me. As a result, I am now slightly cynical about people and the motivations that may drive them. I don't trust people I don't know well as much as I might have when I was younger.

Another example is my current attitude about organized religion.  Having survived lots of church drama and the psychological abuse some churches inflict on their members, I no longer choose to attend any congregation, at least for the present.  Again, I don't brood about the events that brought me to this place in my life.  But I cannot deny that I am more cynical about churches and some of the people that attend them than I was in the past.  


Another area in which life has taught me some not-so-lovely lessons is my job.  I have survived down-sizings,  company mergers and sales, and so many Dilbert moments that my attitude about work is vastly different from what it was when I started my career.   How could it not be?  If I were still the idealistic, ambitious, driven guy I was 30 years ago, I would have to agree with anyone who accused me of just not paying attention.  So, I'm a little cynical about the corporate world.  Not angry or bitter.  Just enlightened.

Having confessed to all this cynicism, I also want to explain some of the attitudes I now embrace that I think help keep my "heart unwrinkled," and that I hope will allow me to "triumph over old age."   Although I confess to being a bit distrustful of people, I am also more open to people than I once was, more willing to accept them as they are without passing judgment.  People, including me, have quirks and annoying traits.  I am happy to mostly overlook those things and focus on the good I find in them.  There is always good in everyone, if we just bother to look.

Also, although I have become a recluse from church, I have discovered the freedom to explore my faith in ways that I never dared to before.  I allow myself to ask questions, and to decide answers for myself.  God doesn't mind if we ask questions.  He is the one who gave us brains, after all.   And I find that Jesus and his love are more real to me than ever before, and I feel freer to extend that love to those around me.

Although I sometimes feel like a prisoner in Cubicle World,  I have a new appreciation for my job.  I know that I am fortunate to be employed, and to have held a good job for over 30 years.  I am fortunate to have a job that allows me to make use of the skills I have.   Corporations are about making money, and the one that employs me has to do what it takes to stay in business and, therefore, to continue to employ me.  I have begun to see beyond some of the frustrations that have plagued me for so many years, and I am now better able to take each day, and its challenges, as they come, realizing that whatever crisis today brings will be forgotten soon.

There may be future circumstances in my life, such as illness or some other hardship I can't even foresee,  that will make it difficult for me to maintain a positive outlook (mixed with a bit of cynicism).   But like my friend Kathy, my goal is to "keep the heart unwrinkled, to be hopeful, kindly, cheerful, reverent" and so "to triumph over old age."  It probably won't be easy.