I'm OK, You're OK.

Recently my friend Jim Palmer  posted the following quote on Facebook:

"If you could really accept that you weren't OK, you could stop proving you were OK. If you could stop proving that you were OK, you could get that it was OK not to be OK. If you could get that it was OK not to be OK, you could get that you were OK the way you are. You're OK, get it?  - Werner Erhard

This quote was interesting to me for several reasons.  One reason is that it convoluted as hell, and took a little concentration to discover what old Werner was trying to say.  Secondly,  I have been thinking a lot about the topic of being "OK" lately, so this quote fed into that.   Also, it reminded me of a popular self-help book I read back in the '70s,  I'm OK, You're OK  by Thomas M. Harris, MD.  It was a pop- psychology work that advanced the idea of being "OK" as having a self-image that included feelings of self-worth, competence, and, you know, OK-ness.

The book was about transactional analysis, which was a fancy way of saying figuring out what happens when two people interact.   Dr. Harris said that there are four basic models that describe the dynamics between people:

1. I'm Not OK, You're OK
2. I'm Not OK, You're Not OK
3. I'm OK, You're Not OK
4. I'm OK, You're OK

Harris said that the most common situation was number 1, meaning that when two people interact, usually they each feel the other person is a valuable, worthy person, a got-it-together member of Homo Sapiens, and that they themselves are not.  Sort of, "You are a fine, acceptable person worthy of love and respect.  I, on the other hand, am Pond Scum."

If Doc Harris was right, it's pretty sad, don't you think?

If it is true, why would it be true?   As I said, I have thinking about this issue for awhile.  I think there are lots of reasons that contribute to feelings of inadequacy in people.   The specific factors at play with a particular individual depend on his or her life experiences.

I mean, think about it.   From our earliest experiences, parents, teachers, siblings,playmates,  religious authorities, and the world in general spend a lot of time pointing out our failings.  "Do better in school.  Don't fight with you sister   Don't eat so fast.  Big boys don't cry.  If you don't behave, Santa won't bring you anything.   Don't sin or you'll go to hell.  Keep your eye on the ball or you'll strike out again."

Also, we have Madison Avenue to thank.  Who could ever live up to the images we see in advertisements, images that set up what we often perceive as the standard we should attain?  If we just looked liked them, lived their life, we could live happily ever after.  

I don't want you to think that is turning into one of those whiny recitations of how my parents damaged me, how the world doesn't understand me, and an oh, woe-is-me laying of blame.  I was blessed with good parents who did  not abuse or misuse me.   I did well in school.  I always got presents at Christmas, and I never seriously worried about going to hell.  My point is that the world is full of negative messages about our relative merit as people, and we all take our licks. 

There is an old  saying that one "Aw, Shit" undoes a thousand "Atta Boys."  I know this is true for me, and if Dr. Harris is right, it must be true for lots of people.  Maybe for most people.  Somehow it is easier for us to believe the bad messages about ourselves than the good ones. 

I have realized recently that I am often less kind to myself than I would be to my worst enemy. I don't consider myself a perfectionist, but I have often felt that somehow I just don't measure up to what I ought to be.   I know a woman who, who when she makes a mistake, often proclaims out loud,  vehemently, for all to hear, "I am so STUPID."  This woman is not stupid, but she is willing to believe the worst about herself, to generalize one mistake into a general assessment of her entire level of intelligence.  In other words, she doesn't give herself the benefit of the doubt that she would give to other people.  I do the same kind of thing, only I keep it to myself. 

Another factor in our unfairness to ourselves,  I think, is that we often consider being proud of who we are, what we have done, and our abilities, to be arrogant or overly conceited.  Part of my musings about being OK has been to figure out some of those positive things about myself.  I managed to come up with a few, which I modestly described in my previous blog.

So, getting back to that convoluted quote by Werner Erhard.  He took the long way around to say that we all have issues, we all have things we don't like about ourselves, and lots of imperfections.  Quit trying to be perfect.  No one is perfect, but everyone is OK.  All of us are children of God.  Jesus said that we should love God and love our neighbors as ourselves.  "As ourselves,"  did you get that?  There's a command, or an assumption, that we would love ourselves.  Think about that.  Think about the ways you are unkind to yourself.  How could you be nicer to yourself?  What have you got to be proud of?   I bet there are lots of things.

I'm not perfect and neither are you.  But, I'm OK.  And you're OK.   OK?