The Cost of Living

Yesterday on the way to work, I was busy driving, listening to the country radio station, and dreading a couple of things I knew were facing me on the job. Man, I wished it were Saturday instead of just Friday. I did not want to go work, having endured a week with an extra ration of BS and stress at the office. Then the new song by Ronnie Dunn came on the radio and gave me something else to think about.

The song is about an unemployed family man looking for a job and the impact his situation has had on his life. Take a listen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWjkDfRcCus&feature=related

One of the things I like about country music is that it often expresses feelings, and deals with conflicts, that are common to many people. This song is definitely a case in point. I am fortunate in that I have been steadily employed since 1979. Prior to that, I endured a brief period of unemployment that had profoundly negative impacts on my self-esteem.

Maybe that brief period of unemployment taught me something about myself that lead me to stay in my current job since March 1981. That's right, I've been at the same job for over 30 years. As you probably gathered from the opening sentences above, there are days when I would rather be scraped raw than go to work. Or at least I tell myself that. I'm not sure it's true.

I started out to be a high-school English teacher. I loved the idea of teaching and English-- books, ideas, writing-- was always my favorite. So, I went to college and prepared for a career in teaching. My idea of who I was and what I wanted to do in life was all wrapped up in my being a teacher. It was who I was.

So, it came as a big shock to me when I was confronted with the realities of teaching in the public schools. I hated it! Most days were a huge struggle. And there was that one instance when I assaulted a smart-aleck student... but only a little. Anyway, I had to do something else, but what would I be? Who would I be?

After a couple of years of teaching, I stumbled into work as a technical editor for a local government contractor. Before long, I was doing work I had never imagined and discovering that I was good at it. I was promoted to more technical jobs and given increasing responsibility. The salary I earned was much more than I would ever have made as a teacher.

Still, I dealt for a long time with reconciling what I was doing with my previous idea about who I was. I had never dreamed of being a technical editor, technical writer, training developer, supervisor, wearer-of-many-hats. Wasn't I just doing this to pay the bills, to provide for my family? Wasn't I selling out just to support my family?

For a long time, I felt that I was selling out. I could not get away from the idea that I should be doing something big. I should do something that mattered. However, I am above all things a practical person, not much of a dreamer, really, so it always made more sense to me keep doing what I was doing. We were living where I wanted to live, and my evil, devious employer continued to seduce me with good pay and attractive benefits. Those bastards! So, I just kept on keeping on.

I know that those I love most have felt that I made a huge sacrifice by spending my life in offices and cubicles. My wife still thinks I should be a novelist. I'm not so sure. I know that I can write, but I don't think I have much talent for making up stories, at least that I know of. Probably I contributed to their wish that my life could be different because of my sometimes too-frequent complaining about my job. If I had it to do over, I would complain less and spend more time enjoying my life.

Because in recent years, I have come to realize that working hard, making a wage, and providing for my family is doing something big. It is something to be proud of, and I am proud of it. Also, I have realized that in 30 years of doing something every day, you become the thing that you do. And ultimately, to a large extent, we choose what we do, who we become, whether we realize it or not.

My job has taught me things about myself I would never have learned otherwise. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I am very good at what I do. I am organized. I am able to manage multiple tasks successfully. I have an analytical mind. I am a good supervisor, respected by those who work for me. This last one really surprises me because I am by nature an introvert. I have endured the stress, the endlessly changing work environment, and BS akin to what Dilbert endures, and I am still standing.

I am thankful for every day that has gone before, and I am looking forward to the ones to come.

"One day at a time- this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering." --Ida Scott Taylor.