Some More Reasons Why

Recently my wife and I binge-watched Netflix's original series "13 Reasons Why."  It's the story of Hannah, a teenage girl who kills herself.

The viewer is told from the outset that she has committed suicide.  Before she dies,  Hannah records a chronicle of her struggles and the things that she says are the 13 reasons why she chose to end her life.  Each of those reasons involves someone she knows and how that person contributed to her desire for death.

The show is well written and well acted, although sometimes Hannah comes off as a bit over dramatic.  However, it is a story about young people, so a lot of drama is probably not surprising. It is also often hard to watch, including lots of f-bombs, depictions of the characters' cruelty to one another, two rape scenes, and the graphic depiction of Hannah's actual suicide.

It is the kind of show that gives the viewer a lot to think about.  When a person kills herself or himself, how much blame do other people bare?  Why would someone ever make the choice to commit suicide?  Is there anyone I know who might be suffering the way that Hannah did, enough to want to die?  What are the signs of such overwhelming pain?

I don't intend to try to answer those questions, but rather to suggest some other reasons why Hannah ultimately died at her own hand, reasons that she does not recognize herself.

Those reasons involve the way Hannah sees her life and the people in it.  She unfortunately has some toxic thought habits, habits that more than a few people share, whether or not they are suicidal.

One of Hannah's toxic habits is believing that she knows what other people think about her.  In several situations, Hannah decides what someone else thinks  without discussing it with them.  She projects what she believes they are thinking and allows that projection to color all her interactions with that person, including events that might otherwise disprove her beliefs about the other person's thoughts. This way of thinking distorts Hannah's perceptions of her life and adds to her suffering.

The other toxic habit is related to the first.  Along with thinking she knows what people think of her, Hannah cares too much about the opinions of others.  She gives others too much control over her own happiness by making their opinions too important to her.

While it is true that Hannah is the victim of much mistreatment and cruelty at the hands of others, she also allows what happens inside herself to contribute greatly to her
suffering.  By falling into these toxic thought patterns, she contributes to her own suffering.  It is not an exaggeration to say that she is as cruel to herself in her own mind as others are in the real world.

Most of us probably would never consider suicide. But how often do we allow our thoughts to make us miserable?  How often are we guilty of allowing our own inner voice to mistreat us and diminish us?   If you are like me, your answer is perhaps too often.  What are we going to do about it?